What Makes a Family?
by theoofoof
Summary: Post-ep for 19x09: Gone Baby Gone. How do Olivia and Rafael deal with the events of the episode and how will their evolving relationship be affected?


**A/N:** What. An. Episode. One of the show's best, I feel. And the Barson moments we got – wow. It was perfect. Having said that, I couldn't resist adding a little more.

* * *

Rafael Barba entered Olivia Benson's apartment building, taking the stairs two at a time. He'd sent her a quick message as his Uber had pulled up outside, letting her know that he was on his way up. He'd not been sure he was going to make it. When she had text him the day before to invite him over, he'd had to, reluctantly, decline due to prior arrangements…

* * *

 _O: HAVING THE SQUAD OVER FOR LUNCH TOMORROW IF YOU CAN MAKE IT. ABOUT 1PM?_

 _It didn't surprise him that she was hosting a small get-together. Her friends would be worried about her and Noah and she would want to reassure them, as well as thank them for everything they'd done to help get her son back. Rafael also suspected that she was looking for a distraction, something to stop her from thinking about what had happened, what could have happened or what might happen in the future._

 _Which is why he hated having to turn down her offer. But with the pressure of work and the number of cases that had come to trial over the last month, he'd not seen his mother in almost three weeks._

 _R: SORRY. HAVING LUNCH WITH MY MOM. RAINCHECK?_

 _He'd come to enjoy spending time with the team over the past few years, since his first invite to Noah's adoption party. But moreover, he wanted to see Olivia. He needed to see her. To make sure she was okay. Texts and phone calls were all well and good, but they allowed Olivia to hide how she was really feeling. She wasn't as good at that when they were face to face. After five years of friendship he could read her like a book. He wouldn't rest properly until he saw that she was okay with his own eyes_

 _O: OF COURSE. BUT FEEL FREE TO STOP BY AFTER IF YOU CAN. DON'T WORRY ABOUT HOW LATE IT IS._

 _She was disappointed that he wouldn't be coming so left the invitation open in the hope that he might change his mind. They'd spent an increasing amount of time together outside of work over the past two years and she enjoyed his company. They could sit and talk for hours about everything and nothing, laugh along to each other's favourite comedies or sit in quiet contemplation. Nothing ever felt forced, no matter the situation. Noah enjoyed his Uncle Rafa's company too, especially his stories which he told with great passion._

 _R: I'LL SEE HOW THE AFTERNOON PANS OUT._

 _He wanted to say he'd definitely make it, he really did, but these lunches with his mother were unpredictable. Some weeks he was there for an hour at most. Others, well it could be late in the evening before he got home if she had jobs that needed doing or if she wanted to visit his abuelita's grave. The last thing he wanted to do was to make a promise to Olivia and then let her down. She'd had enough of that lately._

 _O: OK. ENJOY YOUR LUNCH. SAY HELLO TO YOUR MOM FOR ME_

 _Since that first meeting in the courthouse, Olivia had crossed paths with Lucia Barba on a couple of occasions. She liked her. She was funny, and she could keep Rafael in line with a mere look._

 _R: WILL DO. TELL NOAH I SAID HI_

* * *

As it turned out, today's lunch was of average length. Rafael suspected it would have been longer, but when his mother had asked after Olivia, he'd poured his heart out to her about what had happened and how helpless he had felt standing there watching as she went through one of the most frightening experiences of her life.

He'd looked up from the napkin he had been staring at to find his mom regarding him with a very strange expression.

"Go to her."

He had protested, weakly at best, not wanting to let his mother down, but she had continued.

"Rafi, _mijo_. It's clear that you care about Olivia, dare I say, love her. She's been through a terrible time – you should be with her. Go."

He'd not refuted his mother's claim that he was in love with Olivia for one simple reason. He was. He had been for a couple of years now, but he'd only realised about a year ago. But given that she'd never shown any romantic interest in him, he'd resigned himself to being her friend. He would rather have her in his life in that capacity, rather than lose her by admitting to feelings that she didn't reciprocate.

But his mother had been right, he should have been with Olivia. And Noah. He needed to be, if for no other reason than to settle his own soul.

So, here he was. He knew the squad were still here, well some of them at least. He'd spotted Carisi's car parked downstairs. He knocked twice and was relieved when Olivia, rather than any other member of the team, had opened the door.

"Hey. How're you doing?" he asked, wanting to spend a few moments alone with her, to really check on her, before socialising with everyone else.

Leaning against the doorframe, she replied, "You know, I have no idea how to answer that." She shook her head. "I stay up all night watching him. If I hear a sound, I'm up. We went to the erm, corner fruit stand and this woman said that Noah was cute, and I practically bit her head off. But you didn't come over to er…" she forced a smile, "...listen to me talk about that."

He made a soft, dismissive sound. "I came over to talk to my friend about whatever she wants to talk about. She gonna ask me in?"

"Of course," she replied, stepping backwards, shaking herself. When he'd asked her how she was, she'd just dived in, pouring her heart out, glad to finally have someone who she could allow herself to be completely vulnerable with. As she spoke, the rest of the world had slipped away. The people waiting in her apartment, the fact that they were stood on her threshold, those things ceased to matter.

Rafael sauntered passed her, greeting the other members of SVU as he entered the living room. "Hey!"

Noah looked up from the Lego he was playing with. "Hi Uncle Rafa!"

"Hi," he smiled, shrugging off his coat and laying it over the back of a chair.

"Tell him about the deer," Fin prompted Noah.

"We saw a mommy deer and her baby when we were driving home," Noah told him excitedly. "They ran right in front of us."

"In front of you?" Rafael asked, moving to join Noah at the table. "That's jay-walking," he grinned. "They're lucky they weren't in New York."

Olivia rolled her eyes. Always with the jokes.

Noah's brow furrowed. "A deer in New York?! You're silly!" he declared.

Rafael laughed. "So, what are we making?"

"Robots," Sonny supplied.

"Cool. Oh, look at that one." He pointed out a brick that he thought would look good on Noah's robot. The little boy picked it up and examined it, before adding it to his creation.

Olivia watched on as Noah and Sonny pretended to have their robots shoot the other's. She was right with what she had told Sheila up at the cabin. Family was more than blood. It was the people who you could rely on, who would be there to celebrate the good times with you as well as supporting you through the tough times. Family was the people in your life who you decided to love no matter what. And who loved you back.

This was her family, her's and Noah's; the people in this room. There were a few others of course; Nick, Cragen, Munch, but these four were at the heart of it. Fin was the brother that Simon never had been. Amanda was on her way to becoming the sister that Olivia had always longed for when she was growing up. And Carisi was her cousin. Although Olivia did wonder, given recent events, if she should re-characterise him as the 'brother-in-law'.

And then there was Rafael. That one was a little bit more complicated. He was her best friend. She was closer to him that she had ever been to anyone, even Elliot. But things were shifting. Her feelings for him were changing and she suspected his were too.

How else could she explain his behaviour during this nightmare? The way he'd rushed over upon hearing about Noah, dropping everything to be with her. For the two days Noah was missing, he'd been by her side almost constantly. That first day, he'd left only to get some food for the squad. On his way, he'd called back in at his office to instruct Carmen to clear his diary for the next few days. That was when she'd found out about Sheila. By the time she and Fin returned to the precinct, Barba had been back, anxiously pacing her office waiting for news.

He'd offered to take her back to his apartment that first night, but she'd refused, wanting to be in the home that she shared with her son. So, he'd accompanied her back to her place. He'd cooked for her, not that she'd had much of an appetite. He'd held her while she cried, having broken down upon realising that she wouldn't be able to kiss her son goodnight. They'd sat on the floor of Noah's empty bedroom for almost two hours, her secure in his arms as he tried to soothe and calm her. He'd tucked her into bed and lay on top of the covers as she'd drifted into a fitful sleep. And, when the nightmares had become too much, and she didn't want to sleep anymore, he had made her cup after cup of coffee to help ward off the tiredness.

The next day he'd dropped her back at the precinct before nipping home to change. He'd been back in her office no more than an hour and a half later. He raced across New York to challenge Sheila's attorney for the information they needed and waited with her until they had found something.

In hindsight, she felt a little guilty for the way she ran out on him, but at the time her thoughts had been focussed on getting to Noah. She had no doubt that, had she asked, he would have gone with her, but it hadn't even occurred to her. Nevertheless, there had been a text message waiting for her when she landed at Manchester, checking that she had arrived safely and reminding her that he was there if she needed him. She'd sent a rather generic reply as she got in a waiting taxi.

When it was over, and they were in the car back to New York, she sent another message telling him that they'd found Noah, that he was okay and that Sheila was in custody. He'd called her that night, once Noah was in bed to check on her and get a more detailed account of what had happened.

He clearly cared about her. That much had been obvious, even before all this. But now she was left with questions. Well, one question really. Did all this mean that he felt something for her that went beyond friendship? Was he beginning to feel the shift in their relationship too? She had thought they would have more time before the issue of 'them' needed to be discussed. But after the last few days, she felt she couldn't ignore it anymore. She needed some clarity if she was to move forward. She just didn't know how to broach the subject. Sighing, she picked her almost empty glass of water up off the shelf behind her and headed to the kitchen.

Rafael noticed Olivia's movement out of the corner of his eye. He always noticed her, he was always watching her. Part of him wondered if it was a bit pathetic, but he couldn't stop it. His eyes were always drawn to her whenever she was in the room. She was beautiful, but it was more than that. After being her friend for almost five years he could read her tells, he knew when she was annoyed, amused, or sad. Today, she was quiet, reflective.

She entered the kitchen and took a shuddering breath to steady herself, before leaning against the counter. Her gaze quickly returned to her 'family', regarding them carefully.

Rafael was back on his feet then, his legs carrying him to her of their own accord. This need to touch her, comfort he had always been there, bubbling away under the surface but he'd managed to temper it, to remain professional. But these last couple of days had been too much. He hadn't been able to stop himself. It was bound to happen eventually, it just needed the right catalyst, which Noah's kidnapping had provided…

* * *

 _The jury had returned a guilty verdict in the Heather Parcell case but there wasn't time for celebrating. Barba had another trial starting the following week and he needed to prepare. Which is what he was doing when the call came._

 _He was in his office, his feet up on his desk, working on his opening statement when his cell phone had vibrated on his desk. He glanced at the caller ID but didn't recognise the number. Tentatively, he reached out for the handset. Since the threats on his life a year and a half ago, he was wary of calls to his private number from numbers he didn't recognise._

" _Hello?"_

" _ADA Barba, it's Chief Dodds."_

 _Relief flooded his body but was quickly replaced by confusion. "Chief. What can I do for you?"_

" _Have you spoken to Lieutenant Benson today?"_

" _Not since I left court this morning." He'd called her to give her a heads up on the Heather Parcell verdict. He looked at his watch, it was almost 3 o'clock. He'd been so engrossed in his work that he hadn't realised the time. It was unusual for him not to hear from Olivia throughout the day. They normally exchanged several messages. His brow furrowed as he considered the possible reasons why she'd been quiet. "Why?"_

 _He heard Dodds take a deep breath and the knot that had been forming in his stomach tightened. "Her son is missing."_

 _Barba swung his feet off the desk and sat up straight. "What?" His voice was thick and raw, surprise tinged with desperation. There was a sudden rush in his ears, drowning out the other sounds in the office._

" _He was taken from the Mall of Manhattan."_

 _A shudder ran through Rafael. "Jesus!" He stood and began pacing. "What can I do?"_

" _Lieutenant Benson is off the case, for obvious reasons. She could use a friend…"_

 _Rafael briefly wondered if what Dodds actually thought she needed was a babysitter, rather than a friend. But he didn't care. He wasn't going to her because Dodds wanted him too, he was going because he cared about Olivia. He_ _hung up without even saying goodbye. Picking up his jacket and coat, he hurried out of his office, Carmen calling after him asking what was wrong._

 _He arrived at the 16_ _th_ _precinct in record time, a little out of breath. He rushed through the lobby, but his reflection in the elevator door made him pause. He looked worried and shaken, panting and breathless, hair askew. Seeing him like this would not help Olivia. She needed the people around her to be strong; to think positively. Slipping into the men's bathroom, he took several deep breaths while he tried to tame his hair. The late afternoon hour meant there wasn't much gel left in it, but he managed to make it look presentable, if a little bigger and fluffier than normal._

 _As the elevator opened onto SVU's floor, Rafael took a deep breath to steel himself from the oncoming storm. He strode into the squad room and looked around. He spotted her coming out of the conference room. "Liv!"_

 _He knew about Noah; Olivia could tell by the pained look on his face. She'd realised on the journey from Sheila's apartment to the precinct that she hadn't told him. Once she'd settled Sheila in the conference room, she was going to call him. She hadn't wanted him to hear about it from anyone else but clearly, she had failed. She walked past him, holding up her hand to cut him off. "Please don't tell me that it's going to be okay." If she heard that from one more person, she was going to scream._

 _Not quite knowing how to react, Rafael turned to Rollins, giving Olivia a chance to gather her thoughts. "Could this have anything to do with the job?" He'd been wracking his brain all the way from his office, having flashbacks of perps and prisoners threatening her. Threatening Noah._

" _The question's not if there are threats, its which ones to take seriously. And, her time on this job, that's a lot of grudges._

" _Jesus!" Rollins' words did nothing to calm the fear and anxiety rolling round his stomach. It was a paradox but the only person he felt could comfort him at the moment was the one person he was supposed to be comforting._

" _Do you know how many times I've told parents to stay calm?" Olivia asked as he entered her office. "You don't know how ridiculous that is until it happens to you."_

 _Rafael was at a loss. The only previous occasions he could think of where he'd felt this helpless were when Olivia had been in danger. Lewis. Lewis again. The townhouse._

" _I don't know what to do," he admitted. He need to feel useful. He searched desperately for something he could do to help. "Erm… do you want some coffee?" Even before the words left his mouth, he knew they were ridiculous. Coffee might cure a lot of the world's ills, but not this one._

 _Olivia broke down then, the emotions she had been holding in finally pouring out. She bent forward, almost collapsing onto her desk. "I just want my son!"_

" _Okay. Hey! Hey, hey." He was at her side in seconds, catching her and hugging her to him. He didn't even realise he'd moved until she was in his arms. He'd never hugged her before, but in that instant, he couldn't imagine doing anything else. The familiar scent of her perfume filled his nostrils. He let it wash over him like a balm, bringing peace and clarity even in their desperate situation._

 _Olivia allowed him to hold her only for a brief moment, before pulling back to try and put herself back together. "All I can think of is tonight is spaghetti night. Noah loves spaghetti."_

 _He caressed her shoulder before reaching into his pocket for a handkerchief. "Come here." He handed her the monogrammed material. "Here," he whispered with a sniff, trying to hold his own tears at bay._

 _She took it from him, dabbing at her cheek and his hand automatically reached for her again, stroking her hair gently._

 _She moved to sit at her desk. "They tossed his jacket and they put a different sweatshirt on him. One that fit." She was back in detective mode now – it was a coping mechanism. Dodds may have taken her off the case, but she could still throw around some theories and advise her detectives. It might keep her from going completely crazy as she waited for news._

 _Rafael played his part – both as an ADA, a colleague and a friend. He listened. He analysed. That's what he could do to help, he realised. He could just be there, as a sounding board, as a lawyer, as whatever she needed._

" _They planned this Rafa," she continued. "This wasn't some random freak. Somebody specifically targeted my son."_

 _Her voice broke as she uttered those last three words. He ached to reach out and embrace her again. To reassure her. To soothe her frayed nerves and provide a sense of peace and stability. His arm had just moved a fraction when Fin walked in with an update._

* * *

Rafael paused in the entrance to the kitchen, his head tilted slightly as he regarded Olivia. "You okay?" he asked after a few moments.

She turned to him and gave him a look that screamed, 'what do you think'. "How am I ever going to let him out of my sight again, Rafa? I'm already dreading having to take him to school in the morning."

He stepped closer, situating himself next to her at the counter. "Give it time; you'll get there." He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "You will."

She reached up, her fingers ghosting over his. "Thank you. I have no idea what I'd have done without you this week." She hadn't realised how much she had needed him until he was there. She'd gotten used to dealing with things on her own, to not relying on others but somewhere along the line, Rafael had snuck past her carefully constructed walls. He had become, without her even realising it, her anchor, her touchstone.

He shook his head. "It was nothing."

She raised an eyebrow at him but didn't press the issue.

"Is my friend going to tell me what she's thinking?" Rafael asked gently.

She exhaled quietly. "What you said, about me wanting a family…"

"I should never have said that."

"No. You were right. I've spent years longing for that. But, I realise now, I already have one."

Rafael followed her gaze and watched for a few moments as their friends played with Noah. Fin was on robot construction duty now, while Carisi and Rollins shared a book with Jessie. "Yeah. We've got your back Liv. I seem to recall a gathering not too dissimilar to this one, about three years ago. We stood just over there," he pointed out into the living room, "and Fin made a toast. Do you remember what we drank to?"

Noah's adoption celebration; Olivia remembered it vividly. "To family," she replied softly

He nodded. "See, you've got a brother, a sister, a little niece and what, an annoying cousin who you're forced to entertain every time they visit?"

Olivia laughed softly at his description of Carisi, but it wasn't lost on her that he hadn't assigned himself a role. He was clearly as uncertain as she was. They needed to talk, and this conversation provided the perfect opening. She looked at his hand, laying close to hers on the countertop. She slid her hand closer to his and brushed his thumb with her little finger. "And you, how do you fit in?"

Barba swallowed. Her question had caught him off guard and he had the sudden urge to look at his shoes. He forced himself to raise his head though, covering his hand with hers. "I… guess that's up to you."

"This isn't a decision I can make on my own, Rafa. I need to know what you want," she whispered.

"Right now, I want my best friend to be okay. But after that…" He covered his hand with hers. Her skin tingled where his thumb swept across it. He was staring at her with an intensity that took almost took her breath away, his eyes full of fondness and affection "…I want _more_ , Liv."

Rafael watched a little sparkle return to Olivia's eyes. The way they shifted from enquiring, speculative to hopeful. He wanted to tell her that he loved her. To hold her. Kiss her. But now wasn't the time, not with the squad in the next room. He couldn't trust himself not to though, so he forced himself to focus his attention back on the robot war that was taking place around her coffee table.

Following his gaze, Olivia understood his reticence. She withdrew her hand from his, lifting it to brush his upper arm as she moved past him to re-join her guests. "Stay," she said with a warm smile as she passed him. "Later, when everyone else has gone, stay. We'll talk."


End file.
